I sit here feeling slightly dejected. Am I sitting here feeling like this because of what I’ve done, more so, what I haven’t done? Fuck yes. I’m sitting here trying to work out what I’ve accomplished the past year and a bit. Let’s see, considering it’s already february of 2007, there should be at least a fair amount of stuff that I had accomplished over two years. 15 months ago I would have finished my final year 12 exam and it was one I thought I was proud of because I thought I aced it. Not only would it had been my final exam of my last year of high school, I was offically an adult (mind you, that only entailed me turning 18, but it meant I could buy porn and alcohol.) Basically, the couple of weeks after my final exam, I spent most of my time getting incredibly drunk and having an pretty awesome time, to be quite honest, I can’t remember what I did. I know I hadn’t ventured out into town much, but I was keeping quiet and drinking. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks after my final exam that I realised what the fuck I had done. I wasn’t expecting an incredible, 99.98 TER score, but I was hoping for something fairly high considering the amount of work I had done three weeks prior to the exams (essentially, a whole years worth of assessment items and such.) Considering I don’t remember too much about after the exams, like what I did, I remember the day that the results were posted on the ‘net. I woke up to random messages of “OMG i got <ter>!!!! what did u get”, I was kind of apprehensive about checking. Putting my fears aside, I checked and I nearly cried. The way I acted is almost like how I react to most terrible, disastrous pieces of information that I’m informed about.

I remember standing in front of my desk, hunched over my keyboard trying to get past my chair (I was still half asleep, so I wasn’t in the right mind to move the chair and sit down) when I saw that I had only just barely passed (a 53.47, or somewhere close to that.) Christ. I was shattered. I knew not what to do. Right before me, I saw this numerical number pop up on my monitor, and I instantly saw the majority of my wasted life past before me. What am I going to do now? What are my parents going to say? Fuck was the basic consensus. To quickly digress, for those who don’t do too well, the results are posted at the worst possible time, right before christmas. Nice christmas present, no? The next few weeks entailed me going over what the hell happened, and effectively avoiding the obvious question of, “what did you get?” Needless to say, I was quite sure that I was in no way going to be accepted into uni, and the past 12 years of my life was worthless. Much like the day I found out that I had almost failed miserably, I remember the day I had received enrollment forms from the uni. The next 6 months of my tertiary education involved me; drinking myself stupid every week; staying awake (and in some cases staying out) the whole night; turning up for the first two weeks of my classes, and then generally avoiding them because I had no idea what the fuck. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20, and had I done something I wouldn’t be in the predicament that I am now.

In the periods where I wasn’t drinking myself silly, or trying to attend uni, I had started my site yet again and I was quite destined to make it worth my while this time (considering I had bought myself a domain and some hosting.) It was awesome, it got me attention and I suddenly became popular (check out Introverted.) Shit, I won’t lie, it was fuckin’ awesome being the go-to guy about things happened, and it seemed like people were regularly checking my site for different goings on. I’m glad I did start it up though, I did meet people that I would never have become good friends as a result of my site. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed everything I was doing. I didn’t have a care in the world (I palmed off my uni responsibilities to the other me) and I by no means regret anything I did, it wasn’t until I got my “results” from the uni. I thought that this time I was going to be prepared when I found out I had failed. Unfortunately, I took it a whole lot harder than I thought, and telling my parents that I had just wasted $2,400 in the past six months.

What proceeded after my horrendous results was me writing myself off to the point where I lost my credit card, and most probably my diginity out on my front lawn and embarassing myself in front of my dad. Mind you, in this period, I was spending roughly around $120 weekly for six months. Generally, that’ll amount to a whole lot of my money down the drain. I dunno, I think I kind of realised how fucked I had gotten, and I might have promised myself to either never drink myself silly ever again (unless on special occasions) or spend that much in one night. I dunno, I think I woke up to myself after that and I slowed down. Meanwhile, there were numerous rumours being spread around at work about me burning myself out and doing copious amounts of drugs in one night, shit like that. After a while, my website fad slowly died off which I had anticipated, but it kind of died of incredibly suddenly. To be fair, it wasn’t people stopped reading my site, I found myself not updating it as often as I’d like to have been. Of course, my reasoning why? I had found another outlet to vent to.

Mind you, this is only around the september/october period, which turned out to be the best couple of months I’d had. I was no longer the go-to person, but I still feel like I had some kind of grasp on what was going on around me. Personally, my world exploded (being in the good sense) on the night of Jodie’s birthday (if you can’t get into that; Conceal) after my first kiss. Fuck you if you think I’m sounding like a pansy, but I enjoyed it. From there, a month later, it appeared to have been my birthday, and I was slowly moving away from everyone. Christmas came and went, slowly turning into a pit of incredibly unease and discomfort. New years went by (something I doubt the writing I did the day after will be posted, but you can always ask) and I find myself here. I spent the first couple of weeks of january, hating every moment of it. I stopped going out, I stopped shaving, I just stopped. I spent my time redesigning my site and debating what to do with myself. Tyson’s birthday rolls around and I find myself out, and that was the last time I saw any resemblence to the outside world and those I did frequent it for the majority of the end of last year. Incredibly, while all of this was going on, I was saving money. I wanted to go on a holiday, I was quite set on going on a holiday. Did it happen? You take a guess, I spent most of the money I have saved up on a new amp for my car, and my brand new Samsung 21″ 215TW

All of this, leads me back to why I’m still sitting here feeling dejected. I’m back to exactly where I started last year. Shattered dreams, no idea what to do, and no one to talk to.

Brilliant.