The entire point of being a human is to survive any odds thrown against one and over come them to complete some kind of main objective. I've often wondered if something were to happen to stop this from ever happening. Oddly enough, this seems to have happened to me (yet again). I've thought about it many times, what it would be like to be dead, or to die, and the only conclusion I've come up from it so far is that everything would be finished. Nothing expected from me if I were to die. No more dead lines (ha, 'scuse the pun) and school for me to deal with. Finally, I would finish feeling anything and everyone around me, no more hassles in life to worry about. At certain points of the day, this seems like the only feasible option.

Nothing is as bad as it all seems. I mean, the energy required to keep up at school is immense, and the added pressure of working most of the night after I come home from school. I feel physically and emotionally drained and I know it is going to get more intense as the next weeks roll by with some force. School puts an insane twist in the simple, eat, sleep and die philosophy, as we spend a shit load of time in school, preparing ourselves for the next big step, a well paying job. But really, why bother with all the effort in getting an education, a well paying job, and a respectable wife (go the stereotype) when it is all a waste of time? Sure, having money up until you are 30 something is helpful, but anything after that is useless. If you are one to have a family, all that money that you saved will be spent on your children and inevitably you'll become bankrupt. All for what, the quest for knowledge and security? I know all this talk makes it sound like I'm going to drop out of school and become one of those crack whores that I see on the streets begging for money (oh wait.. I'm not black and native to this country). I'm going to follow a stereotype and try to get an education and money, but not the wife thing. I know if I ever have kids, I'd hate it, because I know my kids would hate me.

I think this is all relating to the fact that the other day, Ms Pikoulos was "describing" what she thinks of everyone, and I just happen to be sitting on the floor listening to some music when she looked over to me and described me. She said something about me putting on "a strong face" for everyone whereas deep down I'm a softy, and that if I were to ever have kids I'd be a good dad. I suppose that is partly true, but I don't put on a brave face (or happy/funny face) for the reasons she is probably talking about. Yes, that's right! I hate people knowing personal stuff about me. Sure, this website is 40 times personal than what I'd tell anyone in the flesh, but I feel like it's alright because the majority of people that read this either: don't take it to heart, or they don't believe it. Also, I know that when I say it, I won't have to see their reaction, which is what I'm mostly afraid of. Well fuck, I'm pissed scared of what people would say if I said any of this to their faces.

By personal stuff, I don't mean stuff about who I like (oh wait, you know!) or whether I have a disfigured penis (...sarcasm is rather hard to reproduce over the internet isn't it?). Well, I suppose I do mean that, but on more of a "public" level, I mean like how well people know me. I don't talk to certain people because I don't want to, and when people know stuff about me that they decide they want to talk to me about (normally they are the people who I don't want to talk to). Take for example my birthday; it's coming up soon and those who know it should know when it is, I've said it numerous times and it's posted around somewhere on profiles of many websites/forums. But when people who know my birthday decide it's impeccably important to express their happiness for me getting a year older, and closer to death. I think I'm more selfish and self-involved than anything, but I like to know that some things are kept secret to everyone around me, regardless who they are.